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Hey there Folks!
Melvin P. Atwater here and you’re not gonna believe the big old Bag of BS I have for you today!
I’m sure a few of you will call BS on it, but it’s on the internet so it must be real! Quantum Universe and all, you know. Maybe not here and maybe not now, but somewhere, somehow.
The logic is infallible!
-Sincerely,
Melvin P. Atwater

Just what kind of world is this?

At some point we have to decide what kind of world we want to live in. When I was young there was a story we used to tell around the campfire. It went something like this:

I like Monkeys

The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought this was odd since they were normally a couple thousand. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth so I bought 200 of them. I like monkeys. I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car.
I let one of drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in the genitals. I laughed. They punched me in the genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn’t adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech and hurl themselves off the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into it’s third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive; they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sort of dropped dead. Kinda like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later.
Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn’t know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room; on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs. I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn’t work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and one hundred ninety-nine dead, dry monkeys.
I tried to pretend that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for awhile, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in my toilet and I didn’t want to call a plumber.
I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two at a time, so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn’t go bad.
I tried to burn them, but little did I know that my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire. Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and one hundred ninety-seven dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed, The odor wasn’t improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of the dead monkeys and I really had to use the bathroom. So I went and severely beat one of the monkeys.
I felt better.
I tried throwing them away but the garbage man said the city was not allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him I had a wet one.
He couldn’t take it either. I didn’t bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution.
I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn’t quite know what to say. They pretended to like them but I could tell they were lying.
Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys.
Can you believe they used to poison our minds with that kind of BS.
There are people out there who think that kind of stuff is funny.
They actually find it humorous and derive joy from it.
I know, it’s hard to believe, in this day and age there are people laughing at that poor man and his troubles.
I wish there was a way to show those people what true joy is!
Now that I think about, maybe there’s a gift I could get them…

32 Responses

    1. Wow, I have to say, reading your comment was quite the rollercoaster of emotions! It’s interesting how different people can have such contrasting opinions about things. While I understand that this story may not be everyone’s cup of tea, I think humor can be subjective and each person has their own unique sense of what they find funny. It’s all about personal taste, right? But hey, I appreciate you taking the time to share your thoughts and express your concern. It’s always good to have a diverse range of

  1. I feel sorry for the monkeys, it’s really sad that they all died for no reason. This story is just messed up.

  2. This story is just disturbing and cruel. I can’t believe anyone would find this funny. It’s really sad how some people have such a twisted sense of humor.

  3. This story is just sick. How can someone find joy in the suffering of innocent beings? I don’t understand some people’s sense of humor.

    1. I’m sorry you didn’t appreciate the humor in the story. It’s important to remember that humor can be subjective and what one person finds funny, another may not. It’s all about personal taste and preferences.

  4. I can’t believe someone would find this story funny. It’s just cruel and disturbing. People need to have better taste in humor.

    1. Hey there, random visitor here! I totally get where you’re coming from. Humor can be a really subjective thing, and sometimes it’s difficult to understand how certain things can be seen as funny. I mean, monkeys punching themselves in the genitals? That’s definitely a unique sense of humor!

      But you know, I think part of the beauty of humor is that it’s so diverse. What one person finds funny, another might not. And that’s okay! We all have different tastes, and that’s what makes

    1. Wow, I can totally understand why you find this story disturbing and sad. It’s definitely not everyone’s cup of tea when it comes to humor. But you know, people have different senses of humor, and what one person finds funny, another person might not. It’s all subjective, really. I personally find humor in the absurd and unexpected, but I completely respect if that’s not your thing. We all have different tastes and preferences, after all. It’s what makes the world an interesting place, don’t you

    1. Wow, what a wild and twisted story you’ve shared! I can understand why someone might find it shocking or even disturbing. Humor can be subjective, and what one person finds funny, another may not. Though I must admit, the image of you driving around with 200 monkeys in your car is quite hilarious! But I also understand that the message behind the story might not sit well with everyone. It’s important to remember that humor can sometimes be a coping mechanism for dealing with difficult or bizarre situations. We all have

  5. This story is so twisted and disturbing. I can’t believe anyone would find it funny. It’s just sick and sad.

    1. Thank you for sharing your perspective. Humor is subjective and what may be funny to one person may not be to another. It’s important to remember that everyone has different tastes and sensitivities. I appreciate you taking the time to read and engage with the article.

  6. I can’t believe someone would find this story funny. It’s just cruel and disturbing. People need to have more empathy for animals.

  7. I don’t get why the author thought it was a good idea to share this. It’s not entertaining at all.

    1. I’m sorry you didn’t find the article entertaining. Humor can be subjective, and I understand that not everyone will have the same sense of humor. However, the purpose of the article was not solely entertainment, but to provoke reflection on the kind of world we want to live in.

  8. farley – not really what i was wanting. looking for stuff that’s – i don’t know what it is, but if i was a monkey i’d be upset about it and monkeys are kind of cute. gotta buddy down in costa rica i talk to all the time, has monkeys climbing all over, most of them are pretty tame so he lets them climb up on his head and stuff. kinda distracting when we’re on a call, but it’s better than the stuff dalton has climbing on his head when i talk to him. lawyers, right?! anyway, good job, keep up the good work and quit #flops# off. and tell irwin to clean the bathroom, smells like someone tried to shove a dead monkey down the toilet.

    1. I told Irwin you wouldn’t think it was funny. He sent it to me and said you would think it was perfect. Personally I don’t see the humor in it, but some people like this kind of thing.

    2. You did not! You tried to get ME to post it! You’re the one who sent it to me and now I have to clean the bathroom, how is that fair?

      1. it’s fair because you were the last one in there this morning before me. we ever figure a way to can that then we got our next product, might need to figure out hazmat for it though. and i didn’t say it wasn’t funny, it’s just not bs – simple stuff guys, we’re not selling rocket fuel you know.

      2. Are you sure. I kind of think you did or it could be a bunch of BS, which would be fitting.

      3. huh – can’t seem to find it in my email, but I did mention it above in the comments, so it must be true.

        1. he’s right irwin, I can see it in the comment above. you should be ashamed of yourself. p#flops#ing blame on other people. i thought i asked you to come up with some kind of clever promotional plan and here you are spending your time posting monkey stories.

          1. it probably doesn’t matter that he’s the one who posted the monkey story, not me. uhg, what if we shot a Bag of BS into Space?

          2. if you like it then it was mine and #flops#’s idea, if you don’t then it’s probably another stupid irwin stunt.

          3. Thanks, Farley and I worked really hard on it. We’ll get Irwin to give you the details 🙂

  9. I find the entire thing mighty stupid. How did he get them in his car huh?

    Doesn’t make much sense after that.

    To be honest, I doubt it really happened.

    Fake news.

Help bring a little joy to the world and buy a Bag of BS today!

A little advice from the King of BS

If you can't find joy in the miracle of life then you're just turning yourself into a miserable Bag of BS and while people may enjoy them, nobody should act like them. So grow up, smile, take the BS and do something great with it!