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Is Melvin Santa Claus?

Hey there Folks!
Melvin P. Atwater here and you’re not gonna believe the big old Bag of BS I have for you today!
I’m sure a few of you will call BS on it, but it’s on the internet so it must be real! Quantum Universe and all, you know. Maybe not here and maybe not now, but somewhere, somehow.
The logic is infallible!
-Sincerely,
Melvin P. Atwater

People need to grow up and accept the truth

Santa is real.
His real name is Melvin Atwater and it’s time he end this silly charade.
For years he’s been sprinkling stories around the world, like being called “Chris” or “St. Nick”, but after working with Melvin for almost a year we’ve discovered it was all an elaborate ruse to hide his real identity.
If you don’t know Melvin then this might seem far fetched, but we’re going to list out all the things they have in common and then you can decide.
Once you’ve seen the evidence it should be obvious that the whole “Santa isn’t real thing” has been nothing more than a hoax by the King of BS.
To be honest, it doesn’t matter if you believe Santa is really Melvin as long as you know that Santa is real.
Santa is real and his friends call him Melvin

Santa

Melvin

It is well known that Santa has a herd of Reindeer that can fly.DNA testing on what’s in the bags hasn’t come back, but it could be RS and not BS. Either way, it’s been known to fly.
We’ve all heard that Santa is large and jolly, sometimes known as pleasantly plump.Melvin is straight up fat, no poetry to it, the man is a butterball.
Santa also has a signature long white beard and rosy cheeks.It’s weird, but Melvin’s cheeks do seem to have a ruby glow and the man is rocking the Gandalf look.
It has long been known that Santa can produce visions of Sugar Plums dancing in people’s head.There’s this stuff Melvin makes that will put all kinds of things in your head and I think he makes it out of sugar plums.
Everyone knows that Santa climbs down chimneys. It doesn’t really make sense if you think about it, but that’s the story we all know.Melvin has gotten stuck in at least two chimneys,  both times were on New Years, which establishes a pattern of behavior at that time of year.
Listens to Bob Dylan.Also a Dylan fan.
Can be found in Malls and other public places giving candy to children that sit on his lap while an Elf takes their picture.*no comment*
Was disappointed in the final season of LOST.Put two of the actresses from LOST on his personal naughty list. Vroom!
Employees a lot of undocumented workers.*no comment*
Gives gifts to all the good boys and girls of the world, while leaving coal, tissue and switches for the bad ones.Is known to have invested heavily in coal and tissues each year at around this time.
Is often misrepresented in Horror movies as part of some sick fascination with twisting up our childhood dreamsMelvin’s life could be a movie that would twist up anyone’s childhood dreams.
Jingles when he walks because of the all the bells.Jingles when he walks from all the quarters in his pockets from selling BS.
Drives a sleigh around the World and visits every home in the world, bringing joy and happiness to all.Well, Duh, he’s the King of BS – of course he flies around the world in a single night.

There you have it, proof Melvin is Santa

When you started reading this you probably thought it was a Bag of BS.
Now you’ve seen the evidence and probably feel kind of silly, since it’s kind of obvious when you think about it.
Don’t feel bad, we’ve known Melvin for a long time and it took us forever to make the connection.
So what now?
It’s time to tell the world.

Santa is real and is his name... is Melvin.

#santaisreal

30 Responses

          1. Is it that you are not fond of pudding or are you just a Jello only man? No judgement here, I like both myself – it’s okay to like both. You don’t have to hide, this isn’t the ’90s.

  1. So will there or won’t there be back orders? That other page says you’ll have more product in a week and a half, why not let us back order for christmas?

  2. Dang, was kinda hoping they’d post something about having more in stock or how many are coming in. Hope it isn’t a lottery again. I know they think it’s funny, but it really is BS.

    1. Hey Melvin, didn’t realize you found where we moved the posts. The whole post was Irwin’s idea, I told him it wasn’t funny, but he wanted to go with the whole “Santa is real” thing. Did our best to clean it up, but it was kind of a stinker of an idea.

      1. actually, i like the santa is real theme, we should do that. get #flops# to write it up and i’ll just pretend you didn’t post this.

        1. yeah, I meant to say that part was my idea, but irwin wanted to pretend like you were santa and that’s how we know he’s real. we’re working with irwin, but between us i’m not sure he’s gonna work out. he pushes ideas like this and pretty sure he’s the one that used all the squeeze cheese in the break room and nikki said he leaves the seat up all the time.

          1. let’s do that. have #flops# write up something funny where we pretend I’m santa and that’s how he knows santa is real. that’s good stuff, send me a link when it’s up.

          2. Couple quick comments, if I can jump in here. Is it possible to make it so my name doesn’t get turned into #flops#, I’m not a dirty word. Second, is Melvin not aware that this post is exactly what he just asked for?

  3. Where did we land on opening up the orders again? It’s kind of hard to pimp my affiliate account if there’s no BS, which is kind of BS. I know you guys think it’s funny, but enough BS, let’s make with the backorders so I can quit lurking on these posts.

    1. soon – I asked Melvin today and he said, “Quit asking me, I said soon didn’t I”. He also said some things that weren’t very nice and made Irwin cry. Regardless I do believe we’ll be taking back orders with a week.

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